Depression and Anxiety Thread

[Michael88]

Not loitering, lol. But like you said events, galleries, shows and things like that where people are. If you put yourself out there you’re more likely to meet other people. Just don’t go looking for love, look for a good time.

* Jumps into thread * Ah this ''meeting other people'' - So what am I doing wrong? I go to lots of festivals, events, galleries etc. where I meet people and have some mildly-interesting conversations with them and then I drive home completely forgetting I even went to an event at all, feeling the same as before. Every time its all so ''meh'' and completely forgettable, the people, the conversations, all. I've never made any friends or met a partner at events.

I'm not sweating it or anything but whenever people tell me I should go out and ''meet some people'' my eyes roll so hard they start to smoke. I'm not an introvert, I'm an easygoing dude, I'm not socially awkward at all, I think I'm decent looking, I'm polite, I meet other people all the time yet I have zero friends or partners. I just never connect with anyone.

 

[W3H5]

I’ve thought on what you’ve posted all day, @Michael88, and didn’t really come up with anything.

 

[Michael88]

I’ve thought on what you’ve posted all day, @Michael88, and didn’t really come up with anything.

I actually I think I know what it is, I think people subconsciously notice I'm depressed / generally unhappy and people don't like hanging around with depressed people even if they act pretty normal. They feel something is off because its hard to hide completely and when something is off you instinctively keep your distance. 99% of people don't want to have anything to do with people who are not doing so well.

 

[W3H5]

I actually I think I know what it is, I think people subconsciously notice I'm depressed / generally unhappy and people don't like hanging around with depressed people even if they act pretty normal. They feel something is off because its hard to hide completely and when something is off you instinctively keep your distance. 99% of people don't want to have anything to do with people who are not doing so well.

Interesting. I’ve spent long periods of time with depression and not had anyone be instinctively aware of it. Maybe I put on a good ‘face’.

I guess it makes sense. My wife can usually tell when I depressed before I am, which is really weird. That’s only by noticing slight changes in my persona though, and not something that a stranger would necessarily notice in me.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

I'm 34 years old, this year I'll be 35. I currently live with my parents, I have few friends (trusted friends, at least... but few), I don't have a girlfriend, I've had one (and I'll talk about it shortly), I'm not good with girls, I don't know how to approach them.
Right now, I feel like my life is on a dead end.

I have a job in a small law firm (but with many clients) which only brings me a lot of anxiety and a huge workload without being adequately paid, imagine that as a graduate with graduate duties I am paid less than the secretary who has a simple diploma of high school and secretary duties. I tried to participate in competitions for public jobs but so far they haven't gone well.

However, this is a bad situation that I have been carrying with me for several years, but my meltdown began about a year and a half ago, when my ex-girlfriend, my only ex, with whom I continue to maintain good relations and who sincerely I still love and she knows it, unable to complete her university studies (she still hasn't graduated), and that I insisted that she also try public competitions, obviously for high school graduates, won one of these. I really insisted that she try: I told her to believe in herself more, I even accompanied her to take the exam.
When she won I was really happy for her. And she was and still is grateful for it. But in March last year, she told me that she had a crush on a colleague. Then, in the summer, for another one. I feel as if I had introduced them to her, it's a very strange feeling...
And in all of this, my hopes of getting back together with her are increasingly reduced. There is no space for me, despite what I have always done for her, in recent years (we were together as a couple eight years ago, but even after we broke up she was always able to count on me for any help she needed, and so just as I have not undertaken other relationships in these eight years, she has done the same).

You see, many people talk about "destiny", but I saw first-hand how we make our own destiny. I could have minded my own business rather than insisting on her taking that competition, it all backfired on me. It's as if she, after years of nothing (she was always at home studying, she had never had a job before this) has "discovered the world" and wants to continue discovering it, but without me. Despite everything I've done and would do for her, despite the fact that I love her and she knows it perfectly.

Now I've reached the point of thinking that whatever I do, for whoever I do, it will never be enough to be at least on par with others. I feel like ****. I know I'm not a good looking man, but damn, I've always tried to balance with something else, I've always believed in merit, to get good consideration from people, to get love... All this, just to get to the conclusion that nothing goes based on merit.
I'm currently trying to quit alcohol (over the last year I've been drinking like never before in my life, yet without ever getting drunk), I want to lose weight since I currently have exceeded 100 kg on approximately 180 cm of height, but I can't do it, perhaps due to lack of willpower.

The psychological problem unfortunately is real (someone, perhaps to encourage me, tells me that it's not true, that I'm simply down in the dumps) because last October I took a H.A.D.S. questionnaire, which by score led to a diagnosis of anxiety-depressive disorder.
In general I have the feeling that rather than living I'm just getting by. And as you can imagine it's not a pleasant thing.

I'm trying to hold on, but every day it seems harder. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

EDIT: sorry mods for the bad word, thank goodness there's self-censorship. I'll be careful not to write any more bad words. Sorry again.

 

[Michael88]

Interesting. I’ve spent long periods of time with depression and not had anyone be instinctively aware of it. Maybe I put on a good ‘face’.

I guess it makes sense. My wife can usually tell when I depressed before I am, which is really weird. That’s only by noticing slight changes in my persona though, and not something that a stranger would necessarily notice in me.

Yeah I don't know what it is, couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated relatively minor issue and he told me if I'm depressed and if I needed some suggestions for therapists lol. I have no clue what gave him that idea, maybe its my posture, manner of speech or something else I cannot control and I am not aware of.
Though that was the eye of a trained professional and maybe he has so many patients with such issues he automatically hands out suggestions for therapists like free candy. Only thing I ever heard from ''regular'' people couple of times is that I have a 1000yds stare sometimes.

 

[W3H5]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

I'm 34 years old, this year I'll be 35. I currently live with my parents, I have few friends (trusted friends, at least... but few), I don't have a girlfriend, I've had one (and I'll talk about it shortly), I'm not good with girls, I don't know how to approach them.
Right now, I feel like my life is on a dead end.

I have a job in a small law firm (but with many clients) which only brings me a lot of anxiety and a huge workload without being adequately paid, imagine that as a graduate with graduate duties I am paid less than the secretary who has a simple diploma of high school and secretary duties. I tried to participate in competitions for public jobs but so far they haven't gone well.

However, this is a bad situation that I have been carrying with me for several years, but my meltdown began about a year and a half ago, when my ex-girlfriend, my only ex, with whom I continue to maintain good relations and who sincerely I still love and she knows it, unable to complete her university studies (she still hasn't graduated), and that I insisted that she also try public competitions, obviously for high school graduates, won one of these. I really insisted that she try: I told her to believe in herself more, I even accompanied her to take the exam.
When she won I was really happy for her. And she was and still is grateful for it. But in March last year, she told me that she had a crush on a colleague. Then, in the summer, for another one. I feel as if I had introduced them to her, it's a very strange feeling...
And in all of this, my hopes of getting back together with her are increasingly reduced. There is no space for me, despite what I have always done for her, in recent years (we were together as a couple eight years ago, but even after we broke up she was always able to count on me for any help she needed, and so just as I have not undertaken other relationships in these eight years, she has done the same).

You see, many people talk about "destiny", but I saw first-hand how we make our own destiny. I could have minded my own business rather than insisting on her taking that competition, it all backfired on me. It's as if she, after years of nothing (she was always at home studying, she had never had a job before this) has "discovered the world" and wants to continue discovering it, but without me. Despite everything I've done and would do for her, despite the fact that I love her and she knows it perfectly.

Now I've reached the point of thinking that whatever I do, for whoever I do, it will never be enough to be at least on par with others. I feel like ****. I know I'm not a good looking man, but damn, I've always tried to balance with something else, I've always believed in merit, to get good consideration from people, to get love... All this, just to get to the conclusion that nothing goes based on merit.
I'm currently trying to quit alcohol (over the last year I've been drinking like never before in my life, yet without ever getting drunk), I want to lose weight since I currently have exceeded 100 kg on approximately 180 cm of height, but I can't do it, perhaps due to lack of willpower.

The psychological problem unfortunately is real (someone, perhaps to encourage me, tells me that it's not true, that I'm simply down in the dumps) because last October I took a H.A.D.S. questionnaire, which by score led to a diagnosis of anxiety-depressive disorder.
In general I have the feeling that rather than living I'm just getting by. And as you can imagine it's not a pleasant thing.

I'm trying to hold on, but every day it seems harder. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

EDIT: sorry mods for the bad word, thank goodness there's self-censorship. I'll be careful not to write any more bad words. Sorry again.

Sounds like a tough ride. Remember you’re not alone. We all struggle and feel like we’re at the end.

Believe it or not, my first occurrence of depression happened exactly from the experience you’ve described.

If you can, start by seeing a doctor, be honest with them and yourself. Medication can do wonders.

Yeah I don't know what it is, couple weeks ago I went to the doctor for a completely unrelated relatively minor issue and he told me if I'm depressed and if I needed some suggestions for therapists lol. I have no clue what gave him that idea, maybe its my posture, manner of speech or something else I cannot control and I am not aware of.
Though that was the eye of a trained professional and maybe he has so many patients with such issues he automatically hands out suggestions for therapists like free candy. Only thing I ever heard from ''regular'' people couple of times is that I have a 1000yds stare sometimes.

Perhaps depression is so common, doctors expect everyone to be dealing with it.

 

[lbpomg95]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

While I can't empathise with the situation with your ex, I can imagine how painful it must be - I'd feel like I'd been betrayed. While you shouldn't expect to be rewarded for your hard work with a girlfriend, it's still a kick in the teeth when you've shown so much dedication for her to come back to you and say she likes someone else. At least she had the respect and decency to tell you before she acted on it - a lot of people in relationships don't do that.

Regardless of why you two split, it's pretty clear that she is the main source of your pain is your ex. I did have a somewhat relatable situation where I thought I was in love with one of my best friends, but she was taken. Her current relationship didn't seem great, so I kinda held out hope that I might have a chance one day, and it stayed like this for years, and I think you're doing the same, hoping your ex will come back. But if she does, there'll always be the risk that the same will happen again, and you're just the backup, which is also not nice. In my case, I was lucky, and found someone better when I wasn't trying to, and since realised that my best friend had no time for me and didn't really care all that much, and I was able to get distance.

If I were in your place, I would try to distance myself from her. If there is a chance to move on you should take it. If she thinks there's someone better out there for her, then there's someone better for you, as well, even if finding them takes time.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

Sounds like a tough ride. Remember you’re not alone. We all struggle and feel like we’re at the end.

Believe it or not, my first occurrence of depression happened exactly from the experience you’ve described.

If you can, start by seeing a doctor, be honest with them and yourself. Medication can do wonders.

Yes, the situation is really tough. Words probably can't even really express how painful it is. Thank you for the kind words of support and for the advice to see a doctor, it's something I should actually do.

While I can't empathise with the situation with your ex, I can imagine how painful it must be - I'd feel like I'd been betrayed. While you shouldn't expect to be rewarded for your hard work with a girlfriend, it's still a kick in the teeth when you've shown so much dedication for her to come back to you and say she likes someone else. At least she had the respect and decency to tell you before she acted on it - a lot of people in relationships don't do that.

Regardless of why you two split, it's pretty clear that she is the main source of your pain is your ex. I did have a somewhat relatable situation where I thought I was in love with one of my best friends, but she was taken. Her current relationship didn't seem great, so I kinda held out hope that I might have a chance one day, and it stayed like this for years, and I think you're doing the same, hoping your ex will come back. But if she does, there'll always be the risk that the same will happen again, and you're just the backup, which is also not nice. In my case, I was lucky, and found someone better when I wasn't trying to, and since realised that my best friend had no time for me and didn't really care all that much, and I was able to get distance.

If I were in your place, I would try to distance myself from her. If there is a chance to move on you should take it. If she thinks there's someone better out there for her, then there's someone better for you, as well, even if finding them takes time.

What I highlighted in bold is exactly what my best friend tells me. To be precise, he tells me that even if she were to get back with me, it would be as if I were her "spare tire" after she had bad dates with others (she's also not very good with guys). In our mutual strangeness, we would actually be a couple that could work, if only she wanted to. But apparently she doesn't want to try again, you see she takes these crushes for this or that colleague... Then she doesn't do anything with it, but the crushes remain and for better or worse things change between us.

I've always had a lot of patience with her, I've never let her lack anything, above all I've always supported her, I've always believed in her and encouraged her to believe in herself too. And in fact, as I explained, she then won this competition for a public job. She is aware of all this, she doesn't have a "short memory", in fact a few months ago she told me that in moments of greatest sadness she thinks that perhaps no one will love her as much as I do... Yet this is not enough to try again be a couple.

I'm perfectly aware that it's full of other girls, yet I can't move forward, both because, as I said, I'm not good with them, and also because (and my best friend severely scolded me about this too) it somehow seems to me to betray her, even if she wouldn't have the same scruples with me... It's going badly for her, but if she were fine with someone else she would tell me without too much care... Yes, of course she would try to comfort me, but then she would go her own way.

In conclusion, yes my life is not good in many aspects, but it is undeniable that a great reason for pain, probably the greatest, is the situation with her. I would really like another opportunity with her, I would really like her to look at me again as a possible partner and not as a best friend. I feel too bad about the fact that I, who have always done so much for her, don't get another opportunity and instead the first one who comes along, without doing anything for her, takes more attention because he's beautiful... Excuse me but also admit that the problem between me and she is this, is somehow pathetic, ugh.

 

[lbpomg95]

In conclusion, yes my life is not good in many aspects, but it is undeniable that a great reason for pain, probably the greatest, is the situation with her. I would really like another opportunity with her, I would really like her to look at me again as a possible partner and not as a best friend. I feel too bad about the fact that I, who have always done so much for her, don't get another opportunity and instead the first one who comes along, without doing anything for her, takes more attention because he's beautiful... Excuse me but also admit that the problem between me and she is this, is somehow pathetic, ugh.

It seems like you may not get that opportunity to try again with her. Painful though it may be, it is what it is. You clearly have a lot of love to give, and it's definitely not a betrayal to give that to someone who actually wants it, and will reciprocate.

Perhaps a direct approach might be worth trying; if you ask her directly "is there ever a chance of us trying again?", her answer could possibly allow you to clear your mind and move on somewhat. And, if she's indecisive, she could just be stringing you along. People do that, even if their intentions aren't malicious.

Once I stopped pining for someone who wasn't interested, I was annoyed at myself for the time I spent on someone who wasn't worth it.

 

[Chrizztiann__]

So, since before being a GTPlanet member I was a long time reader, I can't pretend I don't know this space...

I'm 34 years old, this year I'll be 35. I currently live with my parents, I have few friends (trusted friends, at least... but few), I don't have a girlfriend, I've had one (and I'll talk about it shortly), I'm not good with girls, I don't know how to approach them.
Right now, I feel like my life is on a dead end.

I have a job in a small law firm (but with many clients) which only brings me a lot of anxiety and a huge workload without being adequately paid, imagine that as a graduate with graduate duties I am paid less than the secretary who has a simple diploma of high school and secretary duties. I tried to participate in competitions for public jobs but so far they haven't gone well.

However, this is a bad situation that I have been carrying with me for several years, but my meltdown began about a year and a half ago, when my ex-girlfriend, my only ex, with whom I continue to maintain good relations and who sincerely I still love and she knows it, unable to complete her university studies (she still hasn't graduated), and that I insisted that she also try public competitions, obviously for high school graduates, won one of these. I really insisted that she try: I told her to believe in herself more, I even accompanied her to take the exam.
When she won I was really happy for her. And she was and still is grateful for it. But in March last year, she told me that she had a crush on a colleague. Then, in the summer, for another one. I feel as if I had introduced them to her, it's a very strange feeling...
And in all of this, my hopes of getting back together with her are increasingly reduced. There is no space for me, despite what I have always done for her, in recent years (we were together as a couple eight years ago, but even after we broke up she was always able to count on me for any help she needed, and so just as I have not undertaken other relationships in these eight years, she has done the same).

You see, many people talk about "destiny", but I saw first-hand how we make our own destiny. I could have minded my own business rather than insisting on her taking that competition, it all backfired on me. It's as if she, after years of nothing (she was always at home studying, she had never had a job before this) has "discovered the world" and wants to continue discovering it, but without me. Despite everything I've done and would do for her, despite the fact that I love her and she knows it perfectly.

Now I've reached the point of thinking that whatever I do, for whoever I do, it will never be enough to be at least on par with others. I feel like ****. I know I'm not a good looking man, but damn, I've always tried to balance with something else, I've always believed in merit, to get good consideration from people, to get love... All this, just to get to the conclusion that nothing goes based on merit.
I'm currently trying to quit alcohol (over the last year I've been drinking like never before in my life, yet without ever getting drunk), I want to lose weight since I currently have exceeded 100 kg on approximately 180 cm of height, but I can't do it, perhaps due to lack of willpower.

The psychological problem unfortunately is real (someone, perhaps to encourage me, tells me that it's not true, that I'm simply down in the dumps) because last October I took a H.A.D.S. questionnaire, which by score led to a diagnosis of anxiety-depressive disorder.
In general I have the feeling that rather than living I'm just getting by. And as you can imagine it's not a pleasant thing.

I'm trying to hold on, but every day it seems harder. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can go on like this.

EDIT: sorry mods for the bad word, thank goodness there's self-censorship. I'll be careful not to write any more bad words. Sorry again.

I had experiences at a younger age dealing with what you're describing. At age 15 I fell in love with a girl who was very good to me but things eventually were shaky after people told false rumors about me cheating, believing this, she ended up cheating on me with a peer with most of my class being quiet about the whole thing except for a few loyal friend who told me about it. She has since apologized, and made multiple attempts to get back with me but I refused. My situation isn't meant to be in compairson to yours, but frankly rather I understand where you're coming from.

The experience has haunted me for years in terms of trusting people, girlfriends, and keeping most of my dating life behind closed doors. It has caused rifts with people I used to date but thankfully I became more secure of myself first rather than anyone else.

I understand your sadness and frustation with dating but honestly what helped me was taking medication, talking to others about the situation, and becoming more interested in other hobbies including car model painting, photography and advancing more in terms of career development.

Remember just because you're older doesn't put you at a disadvantage friend, anyone can fall and rise back up again! I see you advancing more in your career, possibly hitting the gym and maybe coming back to this thread with good news (: .

I have great links on at home exercises with dumbells including a workout/nutrition plan. Please PM if you're interested.

You got this my friend!

 

[GT PRO-AM]

I had experiences at a younger age dealing with what you're describing. At age 15 I fell in love with a girl who was very good to me but things eventually were shaky after people told false rumors about me cheating, believing this, she ended up cheating on me with a peer with most of my class being quiet about the whole thing except for a few loyal friend who told me about it. She has since apologized, and made multiple attempts to get back with me but I refused. My situation isn't meant to be in compairson to yours, but frankly rather I understand where you're coming from.

The experience has haunted me for years in terms of trusting people, girlfriends, and keeping most of my dating life behind closed doors. It has caused rifts with people I used to date but thankfully I became more secure of myself first rather than anyone else.

I understand your sadness and frustation with dating but honestly what helped me was taking medication, talking to others about the situation, and becoming more interested in other hobbies including car model painting, photography and advancing more in terms of career development.

Remember just because you're older doesn't put you at a disadvantage friend, anyone can fall and rise back up again! I see you advancing more in your career, possibly hitting the gym and maybe coming back to this thread with good news (: .

I have great links on at home exercises with dumbells including a workout/nutrition plan. Please PM if you're interested.

You got this my friend!

Thank you too for the kind words and support. I really, really appreciate it.

You touched another important aspect in your post: trust, which experiences like this cause me to lose. Trust in myself and in other people.

I have lost my self-confidence and self-esteem because I say to myself, heck, I have done so much, I have dedicated years to this person, and yet this has been of no use... How little can I be worth then?

I have lost trust in others because I tell myself: if despite everything I have done, she goes her own way... Imagine what anyone else could do, to whom I will never be able to dedicate myself as much as I did with her.

To make everything worse, there is the fact that this specific situation, despite being the one that gives me the most pain, is part of something bigger, as I said, I have few friends, I have a job that I don't like and that after so many years of studies and sacrifices is also underpaid... I realize that I am also losing interest in many things that used to be excellent entertainment. My mind often wanders only to the most unpleasant thoughts.

I'm trying to resist, I've already been dealing with this specific situation with my ex for over a year and on the rest it's been years... I'm still standing.

I hope that things will improve, as much as possible I will do my best (I have already made an appointment with a dietician, maybe I will also go to the gym), but my hopes are, as already said, very low.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I have lost my self-confidence and self-esteem because I say to myself, heck, I have done so much, I have dedicated years to this person, and yet this has been of no use... How little can I be worth then?

You should not be linking self worth to what you get back as reward for what you do. I'd suggest people that are prepared to do something for little or no return because its simply better to do the positive thing or the right thing, may have positive qualities that those motivated by what they can get, don't.

I have lost trust in others because I tell myself: if despite everything I have done, she goes her own way... Imagine what anyone else could do, to whom I will never be able to dedicate myself as much as I did with her.

Again, this only matters if your motivation for doing something is to get something back. Do it because it makes you feel better to help people, and provided you're successful, you shouldn't find any resentment in your heart.

If you did a good thing helping somebody, you should feel good about that. You need to stop focusing on what you feel you lost, or lost out on, and start considering that life experience as an asset. You can choose to focus on the feelings of betrayal and let that toxic rot recycle itself in your head, or you can choose to focus on ticking a life box titled 'I busted my ass to improve someone else's life and that makes me a better person'.

.. not that that makes it any easier to deal with, I appreciate, but if you don't adjust your perspective, changing your diet and lifting a few weights isn't going to get back your interest in things, or your hope.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

You should not be linking self worth to what you get back as reward for what you do. I'd suggest people that are prepared to do something for little or no return because its simply better to do the positive thing or the right thing, may have positive qualities that those motivated by what they can get, don't.



Again, this only matters if your motivation for doing something is to get something back. Do it because it makes you feel better to help people, and provided you're successful, you shouldn't find any resentment in your heart.

If you did a good thing helping somebody, you should feel good about that. You need to stop focusing on what you feel you lost, or lost out on, and start considering that life experience as an asset. You can choose to focus on the feelings of betrayal and let that toxic rot recycle itself in your head, or you can choose to focus on ticking a life box titled 'I busted my ass to improve someone else's life and that makes me a better person'.

.. not that that makes it any easier to deal with, I appreciate, but if you don't adjust your perspective, changing your diet and lifting a few weights isn't going to get back your interest in things, or your hope.

Well, I very much agree with what you said, I understand your point of view... After all, I have never said that mine is correct.

However, a clarification... I am still happy to have helped my ex gf to improve her life by finding this job, which first of all is good for her self-confidence, as I explained she is still far from finishing her university studies... I would do everything I did again. I love her and will always love her, regardless of how everything will end between us.

I… I was just hoping that what I had done anyway would help me get a different consideration from her. Just this. But I didn't do what I did based on this. This was something more, something possible and further. What I did for her I did for her good, above all.

 

[JohnBM01]

Last month, I had some dental work done to treat a periodontal abscess. I started feeling bad as I tried to recover two weeks after. Certain health issues can help contribute to your depression and/or anxiety, so make sure to take care of your health as best as you can if depression and/or anxiety tie into your emotions and well-being.

Don't let depression and/or anxiety win.

 

[MIE1992]

I started thinking of why I think I want a relationship, but the only revelation I came to was that I feel like I only want one to check off a box, since I've never been in one before. It's like, something that everyone does as part of adult life. And I know that wanting a relationship for that reason - and AFAIK that reason alone - is unfair not only to whoever I may meet, but especially to myself.

And besides, I feel like I have reasonable standards that are relatively broad-minded, while not being accepting of just any Jane that says "yes." Still, sometimes I wonder if peace in the middle east seems more likely than me getting into any relationship at all in my life.

 

[Michael88]

And besides, I feel like I have reasonable standards that are relatively broad-minded, while not being accepting of just any Jane that says "yes." Still, sometimes I wonder if peace in the middle east seems more likely than me getting into any relationship at all in my life.

But is a relationship necessary? I'm not in a relationship right now, haven't been for many years but friends are and it seems to me like they only swapped problems with new ones instead of solving them. They don't appear to be happier than before when they were alone, just different. I often think loneliness is the lesser evil, you dodge sooo much drama.

 

[MIE1992]

But is a relationship necessary? I'm not in a relationship right now, haven't been for many years but friends are and it seems to me like they only swapped problems with new ones instead of solving them. They don't appear to be happier than before when they were alone, just different. I often think loneliness is the lesser evil, you dodge sooo much drama.

No, I think you're more right than not. I've much more recently come to appreciate the freedom that comes with being single. Not to say I'd reject a relationship if it felt right otherwise, but I also feel like it's not like I should say yes to just anyone, either. I feel like my standards are high, yet reasonable.

 

[MatskiMonk]

and it seems to me like they only swapped problems with new ones instead of solving them. They don't appear to be happier than before when they were alone, just different. I often think loneliness is the lesser evil, you dodge sooo much drama.

These problems will help your friends find a strength you will never get from your weights.

Not to say I'd reject a relationship if it felt right otherwise, but I also feel like it's not like I should say yes to just anyone, either. I feel like my standards are high, yet reasonable.

I'd suggest you're holding those you judge to higher standards than you hold yourself.


I mean Jesus Christ guys, I get the being single thing as much as anyone... but let's not misrepresent things... finding the fault in others is not the reason to be single.

 

[MIE1992]

I mean Jesus Christ guys, I get the being single thing as much as anyone... but let's not misrepresent things... finding the fault in others is not the reason to be single.

Which seems fair, but I think that even if I did want to get into a relationship, I don't even know where I'd "look" so to speak. Or maybe I do, as I plan to attend a cocktail hour at a local art museum this week - and it really is out of an intrinsic interest in art, and especially this particular gallery.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

Since the problems I already mentioned weren't enough...

My father was diagnosed with thyroid cancer some time ago. For now benign but with a tendency to become malignant. I don't understand much about it, the oncologist however suggested surgery to remove it. Now, among the various pre-hospitalization checks, the cardiology consultation and the one with the anesthetist indicate that my father is a patient at risk. His heart is not in good condition and the surgery will require general anesthesia.

Obviously everything else takes second place in situations like this. We still don't know when the surgery will be, but I feel even more pressured, I feel really bad. And it weighs me down even more, in moments like this, not having brothers or sisters.

 

[lbpomg95]

I've got to agree with @MatskiMonk here. My life is undoubtedly more stressful now that I'm living with someone, though that's partially because she suffers with pretty extreme anxiety and her depression rivals mine as well. I'm still suffering, but without her, I'm pretty positive that the loneliness that's supposedly a viable alternative would've driven me to end things.

It's not a fix, but a close relationship with someone who understands me has made a huge difference to my life. For some it may not be that important, for me it's the only thing that's really worth much in my life. Everyone's different.

 

[MatskiMonk]

I have younger friends that have really been through it with miscarriages and subsequent child birth, another with a cancer scare, I have friends my age - the widow of my best friend - who has had to watch her husband lose himself, then his life, to a brain tumour, and I watched my Dad dealing with my Mum's failing health and death, and all these people demonstrated a strength, or ability, to navigate these situations, that I'd suggest those that haven't been in a long term relationship can really relate to. We all go through **** in our lives, but there's something different about it when it's happening to someone you love, rather than simply coping with it yourself.

It absolutely is drama, and avoiding it is not necessarily a bad thing - I do too, but it represents a step up in emotional development that shouldn't be shrugged off or ignored. When I ask myself if I want to be in a relationship, I have to ask if I even could deal with those things, and I'm not sure I could - it's not a question of whether I'd want to. I regard it as an emotional immaturity and I'd level that at myself first, before anyone else here, but that is the way I see it.

and it really is out of an intrinsic interest in art, and especially this particular gallery.

Certainly a scenario ripe for engaging conversation, let us know how you get on. What is being displayed at the gallery?

 

[Jezza819]

I'm 58 years old. I've only worked two places in my entire life. My own family's business which I left in 2006 and moved to my current city in 2007 and went to work for my current establishment. They were both in the same industry and both were individually owned. The owner of my current business had always said she would not sell the business as long as she was alive. We had certain things we did like being off for Memorial Day, if Christmas was on a Tuesday or during the work week we were off for Christmas Eve to give us two days, and we didn't work Saturdays. I haven't worked on a Saturday in 16 years or so. But back in early March she passed away suddenly.

Individually owned businesses in our industry are becoming more rare. They are being sucked up by these massive groups. My family had to sell to a group, now my current business has been sold to a group. Supposedly they come in on May 15th to start the transition. I was doing ok until a couple of days ago and it really started to hit me what could possibly happen. Once I hit 5 years under her ownership I got three weeks of vacation per year, that is probably gone and we all get reset to zero which means I don't get any vacation, at least paid, until I hit a year which would be next May. I can probably forget not working on Saturdays. Probably not every Saturday but certainly at least once per month. Hopefully we get time off during the week to compensate for it. If we have to work 6 days a week i don't know if I can handle that.

We have a certification program with our manufacturer that once we get master certified we get a subsidized vehicle lease. The manufacturer pays half of it and the local business pays the other half. It's a great benefit. Essentially I haven't had a car payment for the last 12 years or much of one. If that disappears because this new bunch decides they don't want to pay their half anymore, that will be a huge blow to me.

Sometimes these corporate groups want to come in and slash and burn, cut everyone's pay etc. I've worked hard to get to where I am. I don't want to have my pay cut down to where it's like I've just started out. I'm not asking for a raise as what I make now allows me to live and not worry about too much. But cut my pay AND give me a car payment, I can't handle that. But at 58 years old now I don't have very good prospects at finding something else. Are you going to hire me over the 30 year old? Probably not.

Now I'm very nervous as we get closer to May 15th as to what can possibly happen. Hopefully they will leave everything alone in terms of pay and benefits and just make operational changes, Saturday hours etc. But I just don't know.

 

[W3H5]

I'm 58 years old. I've only worked two places in my entire life. My own family's business which I left in 2006 and moved to my current city in 2007 and went to work for my current establishment. They were both in the same industry and both were individually owned. The owner of my current business had always said she would not sell the business as long as she was alive. We had certain things we did like being off for Memorial Day, if Christmas was on a Tuesday or during the work week we were off for Christmas Eve to give us two days, and we didn't work Saturdays. I haven't worked on a Saturday in 16 years or so. But back in early March she passed away suddenly.

Individually owned businesses in our industry are becoming more rare. They are being sucked up by these massive groups. My family had to sell to a group, now my current business has been sold to a group. Supposedly they come in on May 15th to start the transition. I was doing ok until a couple of days ago and it really started to hit me what could possibly happen. Once I hit 5 years under her ownership I got three weeks of vacation per year, that is probably gone and we all get reset to zero which means I don't get any vacation, at least paid, until I hit a year which would be next May. I can probably forget not working on Saturdays. Probably not every Saturday but certainly at least once per month. Hopefully we get time off during the week to compensate for it. If we have to work 6 days a week i don't know if I can handle that.

We have a certification program with our manufacturer that once we get master certified we get a subsidized vehicle lease. The manufacturer pays half of it and the local business pays the other half. It's a great benefit. Essentially I haven't had a car payment for the last 12 years or much of one. If that disappears because this new bunch decides they don't want to pay their half anymore, that will be a huge blow to me.

Sometimes these corporate groups want to come in and slash and burn, cut everyone's pay etc. I've worked hard to get to where I am. I don't want to have my pay cut down to where it's like I've just started out. I'm not asking for a raise as what I make now allows me to live and not worry about too much. But cut my pay AND give me a car payment, I can't handle that. But at 58 years old now I don't have very good prospects at finding something else. Are you going to hire me over the 30 year old? Probably not.

Now I'm very nervous as we get closer to May 15th as to what can possibly happen. Hopefully they will leave everything alone in terms of pay and benefits and just make operational changes, Saturday hours etc. But I just don't know.

Try to get a meeting with an HR person. They’re human (sometimes) and will probably understand where you’re coming from if you tell them the truth about how you feel, like you’ve posted above.

 

[Jezza819]

Try to get a meeting with an HR person. They’re human (sometimes) and will probably understand where you’re coming from if you tell them the truth about how you feel, like you’ve posted above.

If we get one. Being individually owned we're never had a HR department.

 

[MatskiMonk]

But I just don't know.

Just a small suggestion, but I'd start getting your thoughts together and writing a CV, not to demonstrate loyalty, or necessarily to start looking for a new job, but so if they pull you into an office, sit you down and start asking you corporate questions about your value to the business, you've already got things prepped in your head. Get ready to approach it as though you are being interviewed for a new job you have a wealth of experience with, and get ready for questions like "can you explain an example where you did ABC to bring XYZ benefit to the company" that kinda crap... it may not come to it, but you've got to build a focused and confident attitude to your position - not one of either arrogance or complacency (not saying you are), but also not one of fear or worry... find out what the groups mission is or goals are, and think about how what you do has value to those goals.

Just my two cents. Being proactive gives you something better to do than worry - if nothing else.

 

[W3H5]

Somebody posted about living with vs without a partner. I can’t remember who, I’ve had a pint already. But all the thing described about loss and having to endure others suffering - that’s just life man. We all suffer, and it’s hell to bring others along on the ride, but to do it alone is missing the point of why we seek companionship as humans. We live, love and die together, not apart. Humans are social creature by nature.

I think it was @MatskiMonk. Probably.

 

[dylansan]

Job searching has been my biggest source of anxiety lately. For over a year I've known this job is not good enough. The pay is low and management is terrible. I keep saying I'll look for something else but:

• I don't know what kind of job I want. Every job I've had has been something different.
• I don't know how I'm supposed to schedule interviews while working full time. I get anxious not knowing how to respond if I ever get a call back.
• It's hard for me to focus on resumes and job hunting when it makes me so stressed out.

I think I've been forming some better habits this year in general, but this is still really tough for me. Every time I've gotten a job in the past, it was after losing the job I already had. Searching while employed is just a level of effort I really struggle with.

 

[GT PRO-AM]

Returning briefly to the topic of romantic relationships (as said in my last post, I currently have something else to worry me, but since we're talking about it here)...

I speak for myself obviously... But I don't think I will ever be the kind of person who thinks "no relationship? it's better this way, less problems!"... And I say this despite knowing, due to the work I do in a law firm, that relationships often fail, with all the consequences of the case, which are even more unpleasant when there are children involved.

I think that believing that a relationship can bring more problems than anything else is a bit like - allow me the comparison - walking past the window of a car dealership, seeing a certain car, then realizing that I can't afford it, and then starting to find flaws in it: it consumes a lot, you certainly pay a lot in insurance and property tax, etc.

Or, if you prefer... It would be like in the tale of the fox and the grapes: the fox cannot reach the grapes, so he says they are unripe.

I'm just not that kind of person, even though being one would save me a lot of pain and suffering. I'm too realistic, objective now: I see everything as it is, without trying to sugarcoat anything... I don't have a romantic relationship because I'm no good, period.

And believe me, it really hurts me to have to admit it.

EDIT: and as @W3H5 imho correctly says, this life is already hard when we share the path with someone, it can only be harder if we have to do it alone.